No Really...I'm Fat!

Have you ever dreamed of having something that you knew that you could never have? It is sort of like dreaming about winning the lottery. I can never win, because I never play. Not because I think that it is necessarily wrong, I just have never had enough money in my life to throw it away like that or the urge to wad it up in a ball, light it on fire, and then flush it down the toilet which is essentially what you are doing when you gamble. LOL! So just like many other things, you can't win if you choose not to play. So I have systematically chosen not to play the "weight losing game" for my entire life, because I know that I can never be healthy and skinny due to a million reasons (excuses.) Anytime in my life that I have been skinny was completely on accident due to environmental reasons like going through terrible times, being sick, or just being really involved in life. I enjoyed all those times when I graciously thanked everyone for telling me how great I looked as if I had anything at all to do with it.

So until recently I have lived in bittersweet bliss thinking that at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I was at some times in my life skinny and beautiful. Geez...some people go through life never having the joy of looking and feeling healthy...ever! I even thought that if I kept telling my husband how beautiful and skinny I used to be, he would somehow see that person in me today. Um...no. However, what I have come to realize is that it is sort of like flying first class. Anyone that has will agree with me...once you fly first class, you can't ever happily go back to coach. I tried to tell myself that I could live with my big and unhealthy body and fly coach for the rest of my life, but the truth is I am a first class type of person that is dying (literally) to get out of coach!

So last week when I reached down and touched my thigh, I thought..."What in the heck is that?" "This cannot be attached to my body! What did someone come during the night and pump my body full of fluids or something? Did someone that I was mean to in high school find a genie in a bottle and wish for my butt to be as large as my ego?" The switch went off. I said to myself, "No Really....I'm Fat. I gotta get outta hea!"

The journey begins.....
On Day 5 of my completely fabricated and ridiculous exercise regimen and new diet ~ My legs and arms feel like someone took a baseball bat to them and I am hungry. LOL! However, I have more energy and I think I will try other new things so I decided that I needed to do a mud mask on my face. You know if I lose weight my face will look even more old and wrinkly so I need some preemptive strikes against looking like an old hag. Well....I don't have any mud mask, because it is expensive and I live with a miser.

So I found a recipe for an oatmeal and honey mask to make at home. John is scared by it and I want to lick my face. What those evil marketers of Quaker Oats failed to publish on their site about the wonders and many uses of oatmeal is the cement like epoxy this delicious mask becomes when left on too long while the consumer does her daily chores. Just as I was about to go and wash this lovely mask off my face, my phone rings. I think.."Oh..whoever it is, I will call them back." I look at the caller ID and it is the elementary school. Well...as would every mother in the world, I leaped for the phone a gave a rushed "hello!" Except after I said "hello" I realized that my lips and facial muscles could move only at about 15% capacity due to the plaster-of-Paris oatmeal on my face. It was a guidance counselor from the school calling to schedule John's "Incoming Kindergarten Assessment." This is the test that they tell you is no big deal and that it is simply a tool to determine what skill level your child is so that they can place him/her with like minded children. So as I am trying to sound extremely professional (like a mother of someone that knows the gestation period of the golden tree frog Guyana) I spoke out of the side of my mouth and cursed those Quaker Oat people for giving such an idiotic idea. I can only imagine what she wrote on her paper. I probably sounded drunk. Then I tried to wash it off. I can only imagine that if you used actual cement as a mask, let it dry, and then tried to wash it off it would result in the same experience that I had scrubbing and rubbing off layers of skin to remove it. Did I mention that my face is very burnt? Oh yeah also....I actually GAINED 1 pound.