Friday, September 16, 2011

I lost a Nutria!

Apparently an adult male nutria weighs 25 pounds! The exact amount of weight that I have lost to date. So next time you are carrying around your local neighborhood nutria...put him down...and that is how I now feel! Have a great Friday!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Heavy as a sack of potatoes!

I love giving myself a visual to the amount of weight that I have finally lost as of this week.

Let me tell you...try holding up a 10lb bag of potatoes and see how heavy that sucker is. That is what I am no longer having to carry around on my back, legs, neck, feet, and stomach. It feels really great to meet this first goal because it certainly tells me that I can now accomplish it all. 10...down...20 more to go. I am a third of the way there.

The reward that I promised to both myself and to Jim and the kids was that when I hit 10lbs we could go out to dinner at one of our favorite places Red Robin. As I have not been the only thing to be getting leaner and leaner around here, going out to dinner was not an extra expense that we would take lightly. So my family (in their desperation to eat out) was finally giving me some support to achieve my first goal.

Last night we had our big trip to Red Robin and everything was delicious as always. I had my favorite meal...the grilled Turkey Burger with a side salad instead of the fries. (I will admit to picking some fries off of John's plate, because darn....I deserved it!) We love going there because in addition to the great food, it is a wonderful atmosphere for children. They can be loud and act like the animals that they are without really anyone noticing. It is great. I don't have to sit with a knot in my stomach the whole time fearing that they are going to make an inappropriate farting noise, bird call, or something equally embarassing. Red Robin is like the typical place that has the clapping obnoxious birthday calls from staff. However, they are a little different in that a staff member YELLS throughout the whole restaurant the reason that the celebrating party is there and mentions the people by name. "Attention everyone, Alex is here for his 7th birthday!" "Laurie is here celebrating a baby shower!" "Bart is here celebrating his retirement!" You get the picture. Then everyone claps and yells good wishes.
Anyway, my loving and always supportive husband asked me if he could tell the staff that we were there to celebrate my 10lb weight loss so that they could yell it to the whole restaurant and have everyone clap and yell for me. I told him, "Sure....just let me know the address to forward the divorce papers to." He is still laughing about it today (hysterically I might add...anyone that has really heard Jim laugh knows what I am talking about). He feels that he truly missed a great opportunity last night in keeping our celebration purpose a secret from the red shirted clapping yellers. Now he wants to know where he gets to go when I lose 20lbs.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Paula Deen wouldn't eat this!

Week 4 ~ I am down 8 lbs after (4) weeks of hardcore exercise every morning and eating more healthy than I ever have in my life. However, at this point I have decided that I need a personal chef.

Cooking meals like this is becoming a full time job and I already have like 5 other full time jobs!
(NONE of them are glamorous)

I am an self induced idiot when it comes to cooking at the Harty house. For the last three years or so, I have made THREE separate meals for most meals each week. There is a semi healthy meal for me, a meat and potatoes meal for Jim, and grilled cheese and hotdogs for the kids for example.

Blah, blah, all you mothers who say, "Oh I would NEVER do that!" Well the joke is on you. All good mothers (and fathers) have made these types of concessions in one way or another. Some parents let their children stay out late, some let their children listen to crazy music (like those weird rappers that talk about jacking and killing the Po Po), some parents let their children post horrific things on FB, and some parents even let their children eat dog poop they have found on the ground. While I don't do any of the aforementioned things, I choose to make 27 different meals a day. It is just easier for some insane reason.

So my advice to all you naysayers of my marathon cooking habits is to NEVER say never. All I know is that Paul Deen wouldn't touch half the crap that I have been eating with a taxidermy rattlesnake stretched out to it's fullest length while she stood on a stool on the other side of the room! I am now stuck with recipes from that self righteous jerk Bob Greene who has probably never struggled with his weight in his life. I guess I am at the perhaps angry stage of this journey where I feel like telling Bob Greene to take his celery sticks and blanched peas and shove them up his nose with a rubber hose.

Friday, June 17, 2011


Week 3
2 Timothy 1:7 ~ For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power, love, and self control.

I have lived through another week of hard core training (for me 1 hour a day) and eating perfect. Except for one little bitty exception that I allowed myself when a friend from church made beans and cornbread.

Now this wasn't some beans and cornbread made at Ada's Health Food Store. This was deep south Kentucky pig parts and bones floating in the pot that almost look like a bucket of sewage. This was cornbread made with the most fattening ingredients possible I am sure. It was like heaven on earth!!! I didn't realize how cranky and hungry I had been until I finished my SECOND bowl of the heavenly mixture of the cornbread crumbled over the beans. After I ate was the first time I have been happy and full in 3 weeks.

Also found at church this week during the Vapor Youth Ministries Fear Factor night, I discovered an awesome weight dropping, self control having, diet sticking avenue to take to keep me on the straight and narrow. All I have to do for the rest of my time here on earth is to recall this night and my stomach will shrink at the thought of eating anything. Ready for the secret???

Watch 15-20 teenagers eat the most vile, horrific, and frankly disgusting things one could dream up to compete for the final prize to be named the winner with an iron stomach and a $50 gift card. I watched people gag, hurl, and drop to the ground. The stench in the room from sardines with sunday toppings, squid guts, mayonnaise mixed with M&Ms, live worms...(yes I said live), vinegar/lemon/lime juice, and blended McDonald's Happy Meals were so strong that I could still smell it on my skin and clothes until I took a shower this morning. There were many more disgusting things as well, but I am gagging at the thought of them right now. By the time I was done in that room my own stomach was rolling so hard that I relived the time I almost flipped on a Fast Cat boat in 20 foot seas in the Florida Straights about 70 miles offshore Key West.

The point was to not allow the natural fear that I believe that we have and need to have to survive get in the way of what you are supposed to be doing. I love the saying EAT THE FROG that was coined by Mark Twain. Just do it, eat the frog, get it over with and the rest of your day is simple as pie. Know that God is your power and strength and the mighty force behind whatever you are trying to accomplish. How could you be afraid when the almighty of creation has laid your path?

So at the end of week 3 I have lost a total of 4 whole pounds. Woooo hoooo! I want it to be 20, but I believe that my faith in myself and God will lead me the rest of the way. NO FEAR. EAT THE FROG....or

some LIVE worms!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Slim Shady where are you?

Week 2 ~ Well this week was just a bit easier already even with a minor back muscle pull and some soreness in my neck. These have always been weak areas for me since my multiple car accidents many years ago. However some good 'ol Biofreeze, ice/heat, and some prayer took care of the soreness. (None of the aforementioned accidents were my fault by the way, but I have had to live with the consequences of those mishaps for 20 years. So drive carefully people and don't text and drive! ;)

I was having trouble finding the right music to work out to so I enlisted the assistance of my fitness expert, Jared Novak my brother. He went from looking "fluffy and unhealthy" to being the picture of health and has stayed that way for the last 10 years or so. Therefore, I thought he would be a good resource. He helped me set up my new MP3 player so that I would have better music than flipping through the stations of my old school headset radio. I got tired of listening to the constant commercials for sleazy lawyers, debt reduction services, and crude shock jock morning host jokes.

Jared loaded a lot of Christian rock and rap music that will be a good addition to my workout routine, but I am still searching for the right music to really make me fly. I have learned that I need a diverse selection of music and it ALL has to be upbeat and inspiring to me. Now when I say inspiring...I don't mean spiritually inspiring. I mean inspiring in that I want to climb Mount Kilimanjaro or inspiring in that I could and would beat down an intruder to my home that outweighs me by 100 pounds. I have found a few songs that make me feel this way and I am still looking for more.

Sabotage ~Beastie Boys
Come Sail Away ~ Styx
We are the champions ~ Queen
Eye of the tiger ~ Survivor (I know this one is SO cheesy and cliche but I love it)

So what are your favs? Message me on FB to let me know. I need motivation now more than ever BECAUSE...when I weighed myself for this week...(I thought surely I had lost at least 5 pounds) the evil Publix scale said that I had lost......drum roll please......ZERO! Nothing! Freaking Zilch! I know..I know...blah blah blah I am building muscle, but I wanted to see that number go down after ONE HOUR workouts every single day and eating perfect for a whole week. I better see something next week or I am going to grab my pocket knife and start carving at myself like a Christmas ham!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Rubber legs, sick stomach, and blood

Day 7 ~ Well I made it a WHOLE week and I did not die. See... this is truly a surprise to me as I was sure that if my heart rate ever exceeded it's maximum resting pace for more than 1 minute, I would surely as the world turns...have a heart attack or stroke. Or I would be like one of those "World's dumbest criminals" where they run down the street away from the police with their pants hanging around their ankles and end up head first in a garbage pail in an alley. So I went outside in my neighborhood which I call the "hood" and I was not abducted or robbed by criminals, the 765 pitbulls that live within one square mile of my house did not maul me, and most importantly...I did NOT fail.

However, yesterday after my workout was the first time that I truly felt sick again since the beginning. Ya know way back on Day 1 and Day 2. By the time I went to take my shower, my legs and arms were so limp that I was swiping at my legs to shave them. You ask why did I shave my legs if I was so tired? Well, I had a meeting yesterday morning with the very same guidance counselors and kindergarten teachers that called me to schedule John's Kindergarten Assessment the few days before when I sounded like I had just completed a night at the Hog's Breath Saloon in Key West due to the encrusted Quaker Oatmeal face mask that was cemented on my face. Therefore, I took great strides to ensure that I was clean, dressed professionally (skirt & pearls), and that my hair looked super fresh. After I took an hour to get ready I went to pick up John at Pre-K and we went to the elementary school for his assessment. I was greeted by the office staff and the counselors and then off they went with John for his assessment. While I was waiting I knew that Grace would be in the cafeteria eating, so I decided that since I looked so great I would go in there and say hello to my daughter. During my whole visit to the school I kept noticing that many people were looking down towards my legs and feet. I simply thought that they were either #1 looking at my newly firmed calves, or #2 looking at my fresh sparkly sandals. John's assessment went great and we came directly home to have lunch. As I was removing my professional clothes and commending myself for looking so great for my meeting with John's counselors and teachers, I too looked down at my legs to see quite a horrific sight. I guess while I was wildly swiping at my legs with a dull blade in the shower an hour earlier, I must have taken quite a chunk out of the back of my ankle because the ENTIRE back of my ankle and foot was covered in dry blood! It looked like I had walked through a C.S.I. crime scene in my bare feet! No wonder the counselors kept looking down! Good God! Again...they probably thought I tried to shave under the influence and didn't even know that I cut myself. I wonder that they will write on their papers. LOL!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

No Really...I'm Fat!

Have you ever dreamed of having something that you knew that you could never have? It is sort of like dreaming about winning the lottery. I can never win, because I never play. Not because I think that it is necessarily wrong, I just have never had enough money in my life to throw it away like that or the urge to wad it up in a ball, light it on fire, and then flush it down the toilet which is essentially what you are doing when you gamble. LOL! So just like many other things, you can't win if you choose not to play. So I have systematically chosen not to play the "weight losing game" for my entire life, because I know that I can never be healthy and skinny due to a million reasons (excuses.) Anytime in my life that I have been skinny was completely on accident due to environmental reasons like going through terrible times, being sick, or just being really involved in life. I enjoyed all those times when I graciously thanked everyone for telling me how great I looked as if I had anything at all to do with it.

So until recently I have lived in bittersweet bliss thinking that at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I was at some times in my life skinny and beautiful. Geez...some people go through life never having the joy of looking and feeling healthy...ever! I even thought that if I kept telling my husband how beautiful and skinny I used to be, he would somehow see that person in me today. However, what I have come to realize is that it is sort of like flying first class. Anyone that has will agree with me...once you fly first class, you can't ever happily go back to coach. I tried to tell myself that I could live with my big and unhealthy body and fly coach for the rest of my life, but the truth is I am a first class type of person that is dying (literally) to get out of coach!

So last week when I reached down and touched my thigh, I thought..."What in the heck is that?" "This cannot be attached to my body! What did someone come during the night and pump my body full of fluids or something? Did someone that I was mean to in high school find a genie in a bottle and wish for my butt to be as large as my ego?" The switch went off. I said to myself, "No Really....I'm Fat. I gotta get outta hea!"

The journey begins.....
On Day 5 of my completely fabricated and ridiculous exercise regimen and new diet ~ My legs and arms feel like someone took a baseball bat to them and I am hungry. LOL! However, I have more energy and I think I will try other new things so I decided that I needed to do a mud mask on my face. You know if I lose weight my face will look even more old and wrinkly so I need some preemptive strikes against looking like an old hag. Well....I don't have any mud mask, because it is expensive and I live with a miser.

So I found a recipe for an oatmeal and honey mask to make at home. John is scared by it and I want to lick my face. What those evil marketers of Quaker Oats failed to publish on their site about the wonders and many uses of oatmeal is the cement like epoxy this delicious mask becomes when left on too long while the consumer does her daily chores. Just as I was about to go and wash this lovely mask off my face, my phone rings. I think.."Oh..whoever it is, I will call them back." I look at the caller ID and it is the elementary school. would every mother in the world, I leaped for the phone a gave a rushed "hello!" Except after I said "hello" I realized that my lips and facial muscles could move only at about 15% capacity due to the plaster-of-Paris oatmeal on my face. It was a guidance counselor from the school calling to schedule John's "Incoming Kindergarten Assessment." This is the test that they tell you is no big deal and that it is simply a tool to determine what skill level your child is so that they can place him/her with like minded children. So as I am trying to sound extremely professional (like a mother of someone that knows the gestation period of the golden tree frog Guyana) I spoke out of the side of my mouth and cursed those Quaker Oat people for giving such an idiotic idea. I can only imagine what she wrote on her paper. I probably sounded drunk. Then I tried to wash it off. I can only imagine that if you used actual cement as a mask, let it dry, and then tried to wash it off it would result in the same experience that I had scrubbing and rubbing off layers of skin to remove it. Did I mention that my face is very burnt? Oh yeah also....I actually GAINED 1 pound.